I Had a Dream........an MS dream

Good morning to you all.  I am writing this while it is fresh on my mind.  I was deep inside a dream when Jiggy woke me this morning.  The dream was both frightening to me and rewarding as well.  No, I didn't dream that Jason and Freddie were chasing me.  It wasn't that type of frightening.  I'll explain.

In my dream I was feeling pretty good physically and mentally.  I began dealing with the problems of money.  So, in my dream, I went out and found a job.  Again, I was having one of my good days and I didn't tell the boss about my condition.  I was convinced that I could hide it.  I was hired to be the assistant manager at some fast food restaurant that had way to many offerings on it's menu.  I couldn't understand most of the items that were on the menu but I figured that by watching and observing over time that I could get it and no one would be the wiser.

 Well, my first day at work turned out to be not so good. When I got there the manager opened the back door to let me in and said how glad he was that I was there.  Seems he had some important errands to run and needed to go but promised to show me the ropes later when he returned.  So, that was cool.  I just made myself at home and checked out the back room, kitchen, etc.  

The first thing that got my attention was a break room with a TV in it.  Also in it were 5 or 6 guys watching a football game.  I decided to let that slide because obviously this had been going on while the manager was still here and he must have known about it and been OK with it.  That was all that was happening in the back of the store so I went thru the door that separates the the food prep area from the back room.  There I saw a young man working to not only take food orders but to also cook, prepare and package the food orders.  So, I jumped in to help. Very quickly I noticed that this young man was fastly falling behind and that there were several families waiting on their food.  More hungry people were coming into the restaurant because it was the lunch hour.  I popped my head into the backroom and yelled for help but nobody responded.  I continued to help, not knowing what the items were on the menu or how to prepare them. I was getting flustered and confused. Then the young man decided that he had had enough and left.  I was alone in all this confusion. My vision was becoming blurred and I was getting dizzy.  More and more people were seemingly flooding into the restaurant in search for food to eat.  

Suddenly a few young ladies came in from the back room and began helping. But by now the prep area was a total disaster.  While taking an order from a customer, I began to stutter and my speech was slurring.  The customer thought I was being rude to her and demanded to see the manager.  I was trying to apologize and explain my condition to her but she didn't believe me because when we started I was communicating normally.  One of the girls felt I was being rude as well and stepped in to finish taking the order.  I was so flustered now that I went back to the break room and told the boys that were watching TV that if they don't come up and help out they could all go home and not come back.  Of course, no one knew who I was at this point nor could they understand what I was trying so hard to say.  They laughed and mocked me.

Some more people came into the restaurant and saw me struggling to be normal.  These were people that knew me and they quickly came back to try to help me out.  I was very dizzy and my eyes welled up with tears.  With their help, we finally got things caught up, much to the displeasure of many unhappy customers.

After all was said and done, I tried to have a quick meeting to introduce myself to the workers but by then I was in full MS mode and nobody could understand me and thusly ignored me.  Though I was trying with all my might I could not communicate with anyone and nobody cared.   It was then that Jiggy woke me up.

It was an unsettling way to wake up.  I checked myself to be sure that it was just a dream and it was.  I feel fine this morning.  The dream was just a reminder that I do have this problem and that it can raise its ugly head at any time.  Unlike in my dream, I try to avoid having to concentrate on more than one thing at a time and I stay away from multitasking.  I also try to avoid situations where I may have to speak much or make a decision.  This is my life now.

Multiple Sclerosis.......What a Trip!

It's early this Saturday morning. Our puppy, Jiggy, always wakes me to let me know he needs to go out so that he can potty. So, I get up and let him and his best friend Esther, our other dog, go out to do their business. I usually let them stay out a bit to give them time to "git er done" and to play outside. While they do that I normally go back to bed for more sleep.

Today, Jiggy woke me earlier than normal for the same reasons and I did my usual deed. They, though, started barking their fool heads off. Concerned that the neighbors would like to sleep in this morning, I crawled back out of bed to let them back in the house. I didn't feed them yet but I did give them a dog biscuit and put them back in their kennels.

It was nice for a while, maybe 5 minutes and then Jiggy let me know that he wasn't happy in the kennel this morning and would not let me or my wife sleep until I let him out of the kennel to play with Esther.

While I lay there I started thinking on how my life has changed since MS has reared it's ugly head. I know that I am a little harder to live with now. God bless my wife because she is the one who is catching my mood swings and all the other things that make me think I am an asshole. Well, I do feel that way. A positive outlook is what has always made me a nice guy, but here lately it would seem that positivity only comes by every so often.

Stress, at any level is something that will take me over the edge quickly. By that I mean, the need to make a decision on something as simple as whether or not to wear a blue t-shirt or a grey one today. Throw in a third option and I feel like my brain has left me in the middle of a raging sea without even a life vest to keep me afloat. I get so confused as to which way to swim or how to swim that I feel panicked and I can't do anything. I can feel the stress growing inside of me and sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing. Mostly it feels like my brain is trying to figure things out but that feels like it has been sealed up like a mummy and can't move. It's like their is no room for my brain to open its file drawers, much less actually retrieve a file and lay it out on a table to see what is there. There is no room for anything. I can't even get to my files! I am a computer whose hard drive has reached capacity and can't do anything.

They say that MS is an unpredictable disease and it affects everyone differently. Oh, there's also not a cure. For me, it seems that strangling my brain is going to be my lot. There is medication that will help slow the process of the disease, but I can't afford it and my insurance won't cover it. Thank God that I have excellent health insurance. Imagine where I would be if I couldn't pay ungodly amounts of money to my insurance company every month. Wow! I would probably buy that medicine and maybe live a normal life! But this is America and that ain't the way it works.

In America nothing works. It's like an air conditioner on a hot day that has a short in the circuitry and it only comes on for a minute and then shuts off for a few more hot and muggy days. Well, why don't I fix it? It's because I don't have the money to pay for a repair man and I don't know anything about electronics.

The United States Congress is like that. This country is broken and no body wants to fix it. Instead of fixing it like a responsible human would, our Congress is more concerned with how they are going to line their pockets. It doesn't matter which side of the aisle they sit on. It's all the same country and it is in dire need of being fixed. But these people, our Congressmen aren't concerned with the good of the country. They are more loyal to lobbyists than they are to the citizens of this country. They are going to carry on this childish bickering until its too late and this becomes a world wide crisis. Just make a decision. Isn't that what we hired them to do? The U.S. Congress is impotent.

So, I'm caught up in this boat with all of you. I feel most of the time like I am a little drunk and it's not because of alcohol. It's because of the MS. I need to fix it but can't. I need to get the medicine that will slow it's progression, but I can't. Did I mention that my wife is also having to suffer through my impotence because of MS? I really have the best wife in all the world. I feel like I can't make a decision on what to do. I feel like a U.S. Congressman.