Who's the Weirdo Now?

Good Wednesday to you all!  I don't know what I must be thinking.  Today is Thursday and I hope you are all having a good day!  Good Thursday to everyone!

Today I am functioning on 4 hours of sleep.  Normally I stay asleep until I decide to wake up, but today I had to be up early so that my sewer line could be replaced.  So, I have been up since 7:30 this morning.  That is when my alarm iPhone started doing its thang.  At first I thought it was someone else' alarm that no none seemed to hear except for me.  After about 5 - 10 minutes of listening to the noise I decided to find out where it was all emanating from.  (I know.  Bad grammar, but who cares?  It's my blog and I can say whatever I want.)

So, I looked around and found that it was my alarm and it was there to intentionally wake me.  I set it to do just that last night, but why?  Why did I do that?  Why did I do that?  "Ooh!  Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter!"  I said.  "I must have eaten something that induces stupidity the night before and forces a person to write lame jokes like this one."

Well, that may be, but I did have to get up to greet the contractor's.  So, all day long they have been destroying my back yard with a backhoe and my patio now have a large section of concrete missing.  This is an old house and was built over 100 years ago.  So I watched carefully as they dug up the yard and found Jimmy Hoffa buried underneath my patio.  It was a gruesome find.  The backhoe is not a delicate instrument at all.  It was weird too, the position of the skeleton.  Both of his hands were covering his groin area and his mouth was agape as if to have been screaming because we were able to gaze upon, and make fun of his naked and skinless body.



Okay, everything I've said is true; except for the part about Jimmy Hoffa.  He wasn't there either.  I have no idea where he and Waldo are.   They are probably hanging out somewhere on Earth with Carmen Santiago.  I think that she and Jimmy were pretty close.

Anyway, so they are digging up my yard.  Maybe all this digging will cause a sinkhole to open underneath the entire house and we will be caught in a landslide that goes down many thousands of feet.  Then I will have a house with a view of a great underground spring that empties into a lake that had formed under the surface.  Probably not.

I was thinking.  I'm  no professional thinker, meaning I have no license to think legally,especially out loud, so my best of thoughts are a little suspect.  Watch your step as you enter.  There is no telling where your foot will land.  A disclaimer; there was no bat guano used in the creation of this paradise.  There are dogs, however, so don't go around barefoot.  Unless you are into that sort of thing.  You weirdo.

Welcome to Arkansas!

It is a lovely day here in Denver, Colorado.  The temps are in the 60's and 70's, depending on the location of the storm that just went through here.  We even had a tornado warning in my area which is very close to downtown.  I even received and emergency alert to take cover NOW, it said.  So, what do you think I did?  Nope!  I went outside to see what was happening and it was very nice out.  The storm that just went through might have had a questionable cloud, but otherwise it was not so much.

I lived my first 47 years in Arkansas and I've seen lots of storms and tornados.  This, today wasn't nothing.  Back home, we all just stand on the porch and watch.  If you didn't mind the rain, like most of us, we took a little walk around the area and get a feel for the local climate.
That is what I just did here.  The first thing I noticed is it was too cool.  If there was a possibility of a tornado in my area, it has long gone by the time the alert was issued.  Oh! How I miss the weather forecasting back home.  Especially one meteorologist who worked at the CBS affiliate in Little Rock, Arkansas.  His Name was Ed; I can not recall the last name, but he was very good and always spot on.  KTHV is the call letters for that station and it was my favorite when I lived there.  I wonder if he is still there?  It's been 12 1/2 years since I moved to Colorado.
Colorado is so very nice.  The climate, though, is much drier than Hog country.  We don't get a lot of rain here.  We depend heavily on the snow  that we get in the winter and spring to make it through the year.  Farmers have the toughest time.  People in the cities are spoiled and water the lawns like a crazy man.  You pretty much have to though or the lawns will dry up and become tumble weeds.

The weather forecasters here, with the exception of a few, are grandstanders.  I think it must be all about ratings or something, because so many of them try to over-dramatize the weather.  I know that one of the local weathermen has an ego that just won't quit.
Weatherman here, I'll say, love it when it snows.  They go on TV and try to scare everyone into thinking their little bit of snow (2 - 4 inches) will make life unbearable.  But this is Denver, Colorado folks.  It snows here.  Two to four inches is nothing.   I know that back home, they close schools for that amount, but not here.  When it snows here, everything is still happening.  Heck fire, even 8 - 10 inches won't stop us.  But the possibility to even have a dusting of snow here is taken as a challenge to increase weatherman's ratings.

Now, it seems that they are jumping on the tornado weather bandwagon and using that to scare the people.
Listen, guys, your emergency alert was issued after the fact.  Go, spend some time in Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Mississippi and Louisiana.  Learn what weather forecasting is like in those areas, then you can come back home to Denver with an  education.

So, what do you think of the climate change?  Well, it could be much ado about nothing, or it may be something more serious.  I recall reading a report on a theory that had been proposed by a group of scientists.  It was proposed that the Earth's climate may not always be  so normal.   The idea was that there could be, sometime in the near future if not already,  the poles on earth would move and thereby change the climate as we know it.

I was reminded of that while watching the weather forecasts during the past winter in Denver.  Where was all the cold and snow coming from.  Well, we all know the normal answer is the jet stream as it brings cold weather south.  But this year, something else was to blame.  They called it the Polar Vortex.  Was it?  Or was it a sign of things to come.

My lawn is much, much greener and grown up than years before.  I am seeing a good amount of rainfall this year so far too.  In fact, today's weather reminds me of being back home in Arkansas.  It doesn't surprise me because there isn't that much difference between the two states, weatherwise, except that it snows more here and rains more there. The temps during the winter are a little colder here and the cold lasts longer than it does there.  So, when I first moved to Colorado, I made that observation.  I also found out that rain in the summer is difficult to come by here.

 Then one day I was looking on Google Earth and trying to explain to my wife what is meant by gulf moisture.  This is the very thing that brings so mu8ch rain and humidity to Arkansas.  I noticed something else that was  very interesting.  If global warming were real, and I believe it is,  it would not take a lot of change for the gulf moisture to follow the Rocky Mountains and bring about more rain for Colorado.  It may be happening now.

 Lately, I hear the weather people talking more and more about moisture that is coming up from the gulf.  Those clouds, today and yesterday were just that, gulf moisture.  It sure feels like Arkansas in Colorado today.  My lawn looks like it too.

Funny Quotes and Where Have I been?

Hey there and Hi-De-Ho Everybody!  I've got to get my act together.  I've really been working on my next novel, which is a sequel to The Thorium Endeavor.  The story is not like a volume 2, but is a new story featuring the main characters from The Thorium Endeavor and introducing a few more.  It tells of a new threat of world domination and will we be able to overcome this evil?  The characters were introduced to the world in The Thoirum Endeavor.  If you have yet to meet these folks you may want to read The Thorium Endeavor first.  It is available as an ebook on Amazon, Barnes & Nobel, Kobo, IBooks and Smashwords.  It is also available in paperback on Amazon only.

The new story is still a work in progress and a title has not yet been decided on, but it will have its own title and not be a continuation of The Thorium Endeavor.

In the meantime, I just wanted to check in with you and let you all know that I am still alive and writing.
Now that summer is now here, I will be blogging more often than I did during the winter months.

Today, however, I am bringing the laughter back!  Enjoy the humor!

Funny Quotes:

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Milton Berle

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Will Rogers

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

SPIDERMAN!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!

Just in case you haven't heard the news, Spiderman has been issued a citation by the city of New York for littering.  The amount of the fine is substantial, reaching to nearly $7,000,000.

"Every time he goes into our beautiful city, " says the New York Litter Czar, Robert Van Zinkell, "he leaves a huge mess of web-like material that somebody else has to clean up."

"He's not like other spiders that spin webs in corners and under furniture.  No! When he spins his webs it is everywhere and unavoidable!"  Explained one construction worker who was once hit with one of Spiderman's webs as he was working on the 75th floor of a new skyscraper going up in Manhattan.  "It knocked me off balance and I started to fall to my death.  Lucky for me, that web stuff is stickier than duck tape and it stopped my fall after about 3 floors.  But I was just hanging there, in mid air until someone in the building across the street happened to look out of their window and noticed me wrapped in this stuff and being blown about by a strong wind!"

Citizen Sara Clemons works in the Empire State Building, claims that she has been hit in the face by his used web material while passing through the doorway to the building.  "It just drops out of nowhere and engulfs you!  I was dressed for dinner one night and wore this lovely red dress from Versace when this shit grabbed me and there I was, struggling to free myself.  I finally did get free, but my dress was filthy.  Is he going to pay me back for the cleaning bill?  I haven't seen a penny yet.  He may be a super hero in some eyes, but to me he is no better than those who place graffiti all around town.  He's a bum!"

At the beginning of his career, the building managers would pay extra money for the window washers to clean it off as they go.  The washers, however, soon found that dumping this stuff in a landfill was getting to be quite costly as there was so much of it, that they couldn't get reimbursed by the buildings owners, so they had to raise their rates just to make ends meet.  This quickly became too costly for the building owners and subsequently stopped paying for this service.  The city quickly became an eyesore.

Spiderman has also run into trouble in the city because of his masked presence.  When he finds himself needing to go, not one of the stores will allow him to utilize their facilities.  Many of the city's homeless have reported that they have seen him in the alleys and rooftops spelling out his name with his own urine.

"I was at my house, in the alley, just last week" reported James Lee Mausterheisen, an unemployed and homeless man living in an alley on Wall Street, I was getting ready for my date The First Lady.  I went to use the toilet and as I sat down I looked across the alley and guess what?  There was Spiderman,  sitting against a brick wall, and taking a dump of his own.  I think he might have had diarrhea.  It was an awful smell and the flies were especially bad then.  He left before I could get his autograph, though, and he didn't even clean up after himself!"

The city's Mayor, Reuumpell Steiltskenn, has had enough of this shit and has developed a special brigade to the New York City Sanitation Department known as the Spiderman Division.  These highly trained individuals are tasked with the most important duty of locating places where Spiderman has been and erase the evidence of his previous presence.  Since their work is performed in the dead of night, it is not known to the public or this reporter, just how they go about their duties.

Some have speculated that they first locate Spiderman himself and follow him around while removing his residue.  Others believe that the Division equips each specialist with a weapon, of sorts.  Most believe that they carry flame throwers that will burn the sticky web substance from the building.  There has been an increase in structure fires reported by the New York Fire Department, which is drawing from their ability to serve the citizens.

So, the city council voted back in August to make Spiderman responsible, by sending him a bill for cleanup to this point and quarterly after that.  Spiderman responded, "What do they want from me?  I stop evil forces from dominating the city and they still complain.  I don't have a job, per se.  How am I supposed to pay this bill?  I've tried to get corporate sponsorship but no one is eager to step forward and donate a salary to this homeless man."

To this date, however, Spiderman has yet to work out a solution and he is now 6 months behind in paying his debt to the city.  We asked several Wall Street types and CEO's if they would help out Spiderman and they all refused, saying that they were all evil themselves and draw enjoyment from Spidermans predicament.

Hupponte Rooftop, reporting for WMSCL News.


Disclaimer:  This entire story is in no way related to any person, place or entity.  It is all fictitious and was written in jest.  I made up the whole thing and in no way is it intended to cast aspersions on the real Spiderman or the one created for Marvel Comics by the great Stan Lee.  Just enjoy the story!

Holidays, Relatives, Pneumonia but Not Quite, Writer's Block and It's COLD Out There!

Hello to all of my friends living in cyberspace!  It has been a long time since I've written y'all (yes, I'm a southern boy), and its high time I ventured out of my hibernation and visit you.

So, Here I am!  Where have I been and what have I been up to, you ask?  Well, it was holiday season and that means visits from relatives and friends.  Then there was all the falderal that goes with celebrating Christmas.  I was sick for about six weeks.  I think it was the almost pneumonia but not quite that kept me drugged out of my head.  Last but not least, as I'm sure you all know, it has been COLD!!  I didn't want to climb out of my warm and comfortable bed and when I did it was to sit in front of my space heater, which is where I am now.  Oh! Did I mention the horrible case of writer's block that had me truly wondering if I would ever be able to write again.  I'm not kidding.  Nothing was venturing into my mind and there was lots of room for it to come in and do whatever it wants.

I'm happy to say that I believe I have come out of the writer's block and I have been working on my next novel everyday this week.  Idea's are just popping in my head like microwave popcorn.  My head being the bag in this simile and the popcorn the exploding ideas.

I had thought I would comment on the unusual cold spell that is engulfing the U.S., but by this time I am sure that everyone is aware of it and has formed their own opinions concerning that.  Yesterday, the high temperature in Denver was 3° F.  Today, though, it is a balmy 43°!  Maybe I will strip down to my man thong and take a stroll around the park. Hmm.......