Did Anyone See Where I lay Down My Brain? Oh! There it is!

I was excited!  Anxious at all the possibilities! Thoughts were seemingly flying through my mind and I knew that I could grab a hold of any one of them and use it for my blog posting today.  But I was too busy at the time to make a note.  That's okay, though, I'll have no problem remembering this.

My creative mind was whirling away so much that you could almost hear it.  One subject after another whizzed about my mind and it felt like I had struck gold.  The Motherload of great ideas was now within my reach.  I could not wait for today to get here when I knew I would have the time to write and I could put up a real kick-ass blog.

I call it getting old.  I could also blame it on the MS, forgetfulness is one of the things really cool things that come with the Multiple Sclerosis.  Sometimes I even forget where I am.

You might find this odd, but I've slept since I wrote that last paragraph.  Now I remember what I wanted to share with you.  

I want to tell you that I have adopted a new way of reading and I'd like it if the whole world does it too.  From henceforth, I will no longer purchase and read best selling books that have been produced by any of the traditional publishing houses.  I am only reading books that have been self-produced.  By that I mean, independent authors who have no publishing contract with any traditional publisher.  

There are way too many good authors out here that can't afford to pay an editor, or can't get the attention of agents and whose perfectly good novel is laying at the bottom of a slush pile hoping to be discovered, but never will.  It's time we take a stand and make our presence known.  

I have read books by great authors who can sneeze on a napkin and their publisher will not only print it, but will promote the hell out of it so that it makes the NY Times Best Selling List.  I'm sorry, but I have read their books and I have read the books of authors like me that go unnoticed and I believe the quality of many, many self-published authors are as good, if not better written than the famous writers.

It's obvious that the big publishing houses want to keep us hidden.  Do you know that many of the big book retailers won't even put a book on their shelf if it hasn't come from the big publishers.  The chances that a new or unknown author has of getting discovered is so heavily stacked against him/her that their chances are almost non-existent.

Just imagine what it would be like if suddenly, the books of us indie authors started selling more than those on the New York Times Best Selling list.  The likes of Dan Brown, Sandra Brown, James Patterson, PatriciaCornwell,  Michael Crichton, Stephen King, John Grisham, Sue Grafton, Lee Child and on and on ad nauseum, would suddenly have competition.  As it is today, they are all established and well supported by the big publishers that they can turn out any drivel and make big bucks while we all struggle to feed our children.

We can turn things around in our favor if we could only manage to do this one thing.  Stop buying their books and start buying only those of us self-published authors.  I am sure that we would find new and very good authors who till now have gone unnoticed and may never be noticed.  

So, here's what I'm saying,  show your loyalty to the self-published industry.  Buy only our books.  I dare you. I double-dog dare you to do just that and watch how fast the publishers start coming to us and seeking us out.  We can change it all, ourselves.

Getting the Funk Outa My Brain

I had planned on today being a day of productive writing, but I am having one of my dizzy dazey MS days it would appear.  One of the things I had planned to do today is write this blog.  However, my brain doesn't want me to think today.  Still, I am writing.  I am hoping this effort will bring me out of this funk and I will be able to make some serious contributions to my upcoming novel.  I don't have a title for it just yet or I would tell you.


This is my biggest malefactor in my being able to write; fighting through the MS.  Some days I might as well be a jellyfish.  I am not sure what that means but I was hoping that my brain would find a better way of saying that I am having a bad day creatively.  I guess, after writing that analogy, this is one of those days.  Still I push myself to write.   


Hey! Have you heard about the noun, the verb and the adjective that walked into a bar? I haven't either, and can't concentrate enough on it to make it a real joke.  If any of you would like to take that much and run with it, though, be my guest.  Share it with the rest of us.  We could always use a good laff.


So, school will be starting up before we know it.  I know it because I am married to the world's greatest teacher.  This is her final year to teach.  Then she retires and will have to learn to live a life without so much stress.  I am proud of her and very happy for her as well.  So, in honor of that, I want to share this poem with y'all. 


I found it on laughalotpoetry.com.  It appears to have been written by Darren Sardelli.  I hope you like it, too.


My Dog Ate My Essay


My doggy ate my essay,
he picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted when
he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace.
My jackets smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank with
a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room”.


Copyright © 2005 Darren Sardelli
All Rights Reserved

Behind the Blinds

Good afternoon to you all.  Today is Tuesday, November 22, 2011, two more days until Thanksgiving day. I guess the normal question this time of year is what am I thankful for?  I am thankful for a lot of things, but most important is that I am thankful to Jesus Christ, who is my Lord and Saviour.  Because of what He did I am forgiven for my sin and will one day live in His Kingdom.  All pain, fear and heartache will be gone forever and love, joy and happiness will prevail.  As I observe the direction of the world it has become so apparent to me that we are indeed living in the last days.  Either it will all end or we will kill each other off.  We are so stupid.
So, I am thankful that my family is blessed with God's grace and will one day be there where He is.   I hope you are all equally blessed.  May each of you have a wonderful holiday.


I sit here in my living room, lights off and just staring at the walls.  I hear traffic go by every now and then but I  keep my blinds closed, so I can't see what is going on outside.  I am sure that it is just everyday stuff; people going to and from the lake or just passing through to get to the other side of town.  All in all this is a nice quiet neighborhood.  I like sitting here without the distractions that can interfere with my train of thought.  I like being alone with my thoughts.  Our dogs like it too.  No TV blaring, the only sound I hear is of the dogs playing and my space heater that warms my feet. 


I think about family and my writing.  My wife is my hero.  If not for her, I would be dead already.  For some strange reason she loves me and I feel it every day.  I love her with my entire soul.  Just yesterday, I was experiencing some of the effects of MS.  I was nearly a zombie, but new enough that I needed to clean the kitchen and get to cooking dinner.  I was very slow, though in my mind I couldn't tell it.  I could only concentrate on one thing at a time.  By that I mean, washing one dish at a time not recognizing the many dishes that were in the sink.  Each dish was an adventure in itself.  I was weak, physically and mentally.  If not for the cabinet to lean on I would have fallen.  My wife, having just come home from her day at work, recognized my condition very quickly and came and made me sit down while she did it all.   A few hours later I began to feel better.  Today there are some residual effects but at least I am able to cope.  


I think about calling my mom but then I am reminded that Thursday is Thanksgiving and I should wait and do it then.  There may be other family members at my mom's house then and I can talk with them too.  So, I'll wait. 


Looking at the blinds of my front window I can see the pattern of sunlight highlighting a portion of the blinds and that tells me that the sun is out and is a beautiful day here.  The weather people say it is going to be nice for Thanksgiving.  I hope you all have a wonderful day and enjoy the presence of family.  God Bless you all.

I Had a Dream........an MS dream

Good morning to you all.  I am writing this while it is fresh on my mind.  I was deep inside a dream when Jiggy woke me this morning.  The dream was both frightening to me and rewarding as well.  No, I didn't dream that Jason and Freddie were chasing me.  It wasn't that type of frightening.  I'll explain.

In my dream I was feeling pretty good physically and mentally.  I began dealing with the problems of money.  So, in my dream, I went out and found a job.  Again, I was having one of my good days and I didn't tell the boss about my condition.  I was convinced that I could hide it.  I was hired to be the assistant manager at some fast food restaurant that had way to many offerings on it's menu.  I couldn't understand most of the items that were on the menu but I figured that by watching and observing over time that I could get it and no one would be the wiser.

 Well, my first day at work turned out to be not so good. When I got there the manager opened the back door to let me in and said how glad he was that I was there.  Seems he had some important errands to run and needed to go but promised to show me the ropes later when he returned.  So, that was cool.  I just made myself at home and checked out the back room, kitchen, etc.  

The first thing that got my attention was a break room with a TV in it.  Also in it were 5 or 6 guys watching a football game.  I decided to let that slide because obviously this had been going on while the manager was still here and he must have known about it and been OK with it.  That was all that was happening in the back of the store so I went thru the door that separates the the food prep area from the back room.  There I saw a young man working to not only take food orders but to also cook, prepare and package the food orders.  So, I jumped in to help. Very quickly I noticed that this young man was fastly falling behind and that there were several families waiting on their food.  More hungry people were coming into the restaurant because it was the lunch hour.  I popped my head into the backroom and yelled for help but nobody responded.  I continued to help, not knowing what the items were on the menu or how to prepare them. I was getting flustered and confused. Then the young man decided that he had had enough and left.  I was alone in all this confusion. My vision was becoming blurred and I was getting dizzy.  More and more people were seemingly flooding into the restaurant in search for food to eat.  

Suddenly a few young ladies came in from the back room and began helping. But by now the prep area was a total disaster.  While taking an order from a customer, I began to stutter and my speech was slurring.  The customer thought I was being rude to her and demanded to see the manager.  I was trying to apologize and explain my condition to her but she didn't believe me because when we started I was communicating normally.  One of the girls felt I was being rude as well and stepped in to finish taking the order.  I was so flustered now that I went back to the break room and told the boys that were watching TV that if they don't come up and help out they could all go home and not come back.  Of course, no one knew who I was at this point nor could they understand what I was trying so hard to say.  They laughed and mocked me.

Some more people came into the restaurant and saw me struggling to be normal.  These were people that knew me and they quickly came back to try to help me out.  I was very dizzy and my eyes welled up with tears.  With their help, we finally got things caught up, much to the displeasure of many unhappy customers.

After all was said and done, I tried to have a quick meeting to introduce myself to the workers but by then I was in full MS mode and nobody could understand me and thusly ignored me.  Though I was trying with all my might I could not communicate with anyone and nobody cared.   It was then that Jiggy woke me up.

It was an unsettling way to wake up.  I checked myself to be sure that it was just a dream and it was.  I feel fine this morning.  The dream was just a reminder that I do have this problem and that it can raise its ugly head at any time.  Unlike in my dream, I try to avoid having to concentrate on more than one thing at a time and I stay away from multitasking.  I also try to avoid situations where I may have to speak much or make a decision.  This is my life now.

Multiple Sclerosis.......What a Trip!

It's early this Saturday morning. Our puppy, Jiggy, always wakes me to let me know he needs to go out so that he can potty. So, I get up and let him and his best friend Esther, our other dog, go out to do their business. I usually let them stay out a bit to give them time to "git er done" and to play outside. While they do that I normally go back to bed for more sleep.

Today, Jiggy woke me earlier than normal for the same reasons and I did my usual deed. They, though, started barking their fool heads off. Concerned that the neighbors would like to sleep in this morning, I crawled back out of bed to let them back in the house. I didn't feed them yet but I did give them a dog biscuit and put them back in their kennels.

It was nice for a while, maybe 5 minutes and then Jiggy let me know that he wasn't happy in the kennel this morning and would not let me or my wife sleep until I let him out of the kennel to play with Esther.

While I lay there I started thinking on how my life has changed since MS has reared it's ugly head. I know that I am a little harder to live with now. God bless my wife because she is the one who is catching my mood swings and all the other things that make me think I am an asshole. Well, I do feel that way. A positive outlook is what has always made me a nice guy, but here lately it would seem that positivity only comes by every so often.

Stress, at any level is something that will take me over the edge quickly. By that I mean, the need to make a decision on something as simple as whether or not to wear a blue t-shirt or a grey one today. Throw in a third option and I feel like my brain has left me in the middle of a raging sea without even a life vest to keep me afloat. I get so confused as to which way to swim or how to swim that I feel panicked and I can't do anything. I can feel the stress growing inside of me and sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing. Mostly it feels like my brain is trying to figure things out but that feels like it has been sealed up like a mummy and can't move. It's like their is no room for my brain to open its file drawers, much less actually retrieve a file and lay it out on a table to see what is there. There is no room for anything. I can't even get to my files! I am a computer whose hard drive has reached capacity and can't do anything.

They say that MS is an unpredictable disease and it affects everyone differently. Oh, there's also not a cure. For me, it seems that strangling my brain is going to be my lot. There is medication that will help slow the process of the disease, but I can't afford it and my insurance won't cover it. Thank God that I have excellent health insurance. Imagine where I would be if I couldn't pay ungodly amounts of money to my insurance company every month. Wow! I would probably buy that medicine and maybe live a normal life! But this is America and that ain't the way it works.

In America nothing works. It's like an air conditioner on a hot day that has a short in the circuitry and it only comes on for a minute and then shuts off for a few more hot and muggy days. Well, why don't I fix it? It's because I don't have the money to pay for a repair man and I don't know anything about electronics.

The United States Congress is like that. This country is broken and no body wants to fix it. Instead of fixing it like a responsible human would, our Congress is more concerned with how they are going to line their pockets. It doesn't matter which side of the aisle they sit on. It's all the same country and it is in dire need of being fixed. But these people, our Congressmen aren't concerned with the good of the country. They are more loyal to lobbyists than they are to the citizens of this country. They are going to carry on this childish bickering until its too late and this becomes a world wide crisis. Just make a decision. Isn't that what we hired them to do? The U.S. Congress is impotent.

So, I'm caught up in this boat with all of you. I feel most of the time like I am a little drunk and it's not because of alcohol. It's because of the MS. I need to fix it but can't. I need to get the medicine that will slow it's progression, but I can't. Did I mention that my wife is also having to suffer through my impotence because of MS? I really have the best wife in all the world. I feel like I can't make a decision on what to do. I feel like a U.S. Congressman.